Strangely enough, in my last blog entry I talked about my dreams, and that night I proceeded to have a work nightmare. I call them Teacher Nightmares on Facebook and even created a hashtag because they happen so often (more so when I’m on break). In this dream, I was homeschooling one of my AP classes at my mom’s old house; we were outside on the porch and the grass area, and these kids would NOT listen. I was being observed by my principal and AP, and the students just took off on me and went to skateboard in the street. The ones who stayed behind were being so rude and I resorted to yelling at them. I legit felt like I was screaming at the top of my lungs. Then it turned into us being all housed on this campus and I kept missing lunch. I’d get there at the end of it and there’d be nothing left. The next day I had tried to make sure to eat, but I was in the middle of class, again with AP, when a handful of them just got up and started leaving. I asked where they were going, and one said, “It’s lunch time, Ms.!” and he took off. I looked at my watch and it read “12:10pm”– by the time I dismissed everyone and I got to the cafeteria all that was left was bread, like the kind no one wants. Then I woke up. I’m telling you, strange dreams.
Last night’s dream consisted of us still being closed, but the principal was taking this time to go through our Phase 1 of Remodel (remodeling is happening in reality, but in the summer). In this dream, I was able to see the school and there was going to be a bookstore added (think college bookstore) and most of our office staff were going to get positions at this store. I found it strange that they’d be remodeling when we were supposed to be closed, but then I woke up.
I clearly have work on my mind as it keeps showing up in my dreams.
My waking hours are consumed with work, reading, watching shows on Netflix, and working out. Took a rest day yesterday, but today we went back at it. I’m hoping to establish a new normal and start waking up earlier, but being awake this late isn’t helping. At least it’s earlier than other nights. Last night I didn’t fall asleep until 2am, the night before I tossed and turned until 2:30am when I last looked at the clock. This is not healthy. I need to force myself to wake up early tomorrow and hopefully go back to my old bed time of 11pm.
I can’t believe it’s been two weeks since I last went to work, since I last saw my kids, since I last saw my co-workers, since I last drove my car. It’s surreal. The days really are weaving into one long day. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my old “life.” I cry when I think of it all. I cry when I think of my students. I’m just a big cryer in general. It’s weird because it hits me mostly at night; it’s not like I’m spending my days crying, I just tear up when I allow myself to feel it all.
Why do we feel what we feel when we feel it?
Questions unanswered, but there’s no need to reply.
“I get you.”
“You get me?”
“I get that you’re human and you were born to love. Born to embrace the feelings of others. Born to love so deeply that the pain and joys of others is yours too. Born to care too much. Born to cry. Born to wear your heart on your sleeve, but there will come a point in your life where you’ll no longer be ashamed of these feelings because they have made you who you are. You’ll shed tears in front of people you never thought would see you cry. But oh, my darling, there will also be days where you will also smile so big with so much joy that not even the sun could outshine you. There will be days when your laughter echos through the mountains because it stems from the bottom of your belly, and you can no longer contain it. You’ve been blessed even though sometimes you may see it like a curse. You, my dear, were born to feel.”
And so, I do.
❤ One love.
Confessions of a 40-Year-Old Teacher Mom 